Posted by Davis | Filed under Uncategorized
You’re going about your daily routine, maybe about to get into your car to go work or the grocery store, when a windowless van screeches to a stop right next to you, nearly hitting you. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by Ryan | Filed under Big Moneyzzz, lawyering, scams
Lawyers get their own special kind of spam. Did you know that? No, you thought lawyers have a perfect life sitting in hot tubs with fancy judges and luxuriantly stroking the smooth wood paneling in America’s courtrooms. Well, newsflash: Lawyers don’t have perfect lives. And lawyer spam is the second biggest reason why. (The number one reason? When you tell your aide to claim that he is the father of your love child and then he goes and writes a book about it and tells everyone that you are the child’s father! Being a lawyer is hard sometimes.)
But sometimes, of course, the spam is not a pain, but a pleasure. This is because lawyers are taught to pay attention to the careful crafting of language, and spammers are too. That is how you end up with some of the most wonderfully crafted sentences you can imagine, in spam. For example, note the syntactical discipline and attention to craft in this email, with an opening line so perfectly constructed that I have actually started putting it in many of my legal briefs:
Hello,
Do accept my sincere apologies if my mail does not meet your personal ethics.
I am writing following an opportunity in my office that will be of immense benefit to both of us.
One of our accounts with holding balance of 15,100,000(Fifteen Million One Hundred Thousand British Pounds Sterlings) has been dormant and has not been operated for the past 8 years.From my investigations and confirmations, the owner of this account a foreigner by name Christian Marty (Concorde pilot) died in Monday, 31 July, 2000 along with other 109 families in an AF4590 plane crash and since then nobody has done anything as regards the claiming of this money because he has no family members who are aware of the existence of neither the account nor the funds.
We are to share this money between ourselves and also donate 10% to charity if you are really interested in this offer you should contact *******@yahoo.com
Regards,
Dave ****
I appreciate Dave’s attention to my personal ethics. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by Christian | Filed under Uncategorized
I think my interest in Japan began as a kid when I learned that Japanese are physically smaller than many other peoples, so what did they do about it? They invented karate, giving them the power of 6 large Nordic men.
Do you know that Japan is the size of Montana (population 968,000) but has 128 million residents? That’s only 14 million less than Russia. Greater Tokyo alone has…wait for it…37 million. Same as California. That’s just insane. No wonder they keep so trim. There simply isn’t room for Biggest Losers in Japan.
Posted by Ryan | Filed under Uncategorized
I noticed today that a few people have come to DDDT after entering a search for “Winter Olympics Jokes.” I was curious what else they were finding, so I followed that search myself. What I found was too awesome to keep secret. The top link: Jay Leno Winter Olympics Jokes, at Olympicjokes.com. Given that DDDT has just tried its hand at writing some Jay Leno jokes on this very topic, I think it’s worth taking a look at the real deal, to see how well we did at approximating Jay-level hilarity. Here are a few of Jay’s own real-life jokes made about the 2002 Winter Olympics:
Posted by Davis | Filed under Uncategorized
When it comes to movies, I have nothing against any particular genre. I like some more than others, as I’m sure you do as well. What I cannot for the life of me understand is when your allegiance to a genre is so absolute that it compels you to see each and every movie within this genre regardless of quality. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by Ryan | Filed under High School, Music, Obsessions
I was the Beatles’ biggest fan for a while. My connection to the men and their music was unique, never quite equaled before or since. I owned every album—not just the singles, not just Sergeant Pepper’s/the white album/Abbey Road—every single one of them, including Please Please Me and even Yellow Submarine. Do you know what’s on Yellow Submarine? It’s a handful of Beatles’ songs (and two of those are Harrison songs) and then a bunch of instrumentals by George Martin. There are romantic comedies with more Beatles music than Yellow Submarine. You needed to be a pretty devoted fan to go buy Yellow Submarine. Lucky for the Beatles (and for George Martin), that’s exactly the kind of fan I was.
A few weeks ago I was out at lunch with some slightly older friends and they started discussing how their kids were starting their Beatles phases. I was surprised at how nonchalant they were, as if they had always known this moment would come. So I asked a few questions about the “Beatles phase.” After it became clear that I was still a bit over-sentimental about my own Beatles phase, one of the guys looked at me and said “Bell, did you really think you were the only one that had a Beatles phase? Everyone has a Beatles phase. It’s like the number one most common teenage milestone in America.”
Yeah, I knew that. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by Christian | Filed under Farmington, Growing Up, Jr. High, Nicknames
I think I was in 7th grade when a new family moved into the house down the street: The Allens. Remember the “One of these things is not like the other ones” song on Sesame Street? That’s what comes to mind when I think of the Allens. The immediate distinction was their obvious un-Mormonness, but we had a few non-Mormon families in the neighborhood, so that didn’t quite explain it. And I still can’t quite explain it. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by Davis | Filed under Blow Pops, New York Times Wine Critic Eric Asimov, Papa John's
I do not drink wine, and I never have. It is therefore very, very difficult for me not to lose my temper when I hear or read someone describing wine in any way that goes much beyond, “It tasted good,” or “It tasted bad.” Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by Christian | Filed under Uncategorized
This is for the lady readers. I just got this picture of my little tubaluv (Amelia) back and I couldn’t resist sharing. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by DDDT | Filed under Jokes, Leno
We here at DDDT, and you, and the rest of America, have felt a deep loss since Jay Leno closed down his show the other night. Don’t get all panicky- he’ll be back (unlike that rangy Irishman that makes grandma feel uncomfortable). He’s just taking a few weeks off to head back to his old digs at the Tonight Show and reclaim his rightful place at the show that was so brutally ripped from his hands.
There are two problems with Jay being gone. The first is that Jay’s gone– don’t overlook that. But the second is that we don’t have the jokes. Jay’s jokes are out of our lives for two long weeks. But the headlines will keep coming. And no one to turn them into jokes. So we put our heads together and we decided that we’d write some Jay Leno jokes for you to laugh and laugh and laugh at while we wait for Jay to come back. Who can write Jay Leno jokes? Professionals, that’s who. Professionals and koalas and toll booth operators. And the people who write the jokes for popsicle sticks and You Can’t Do That On Television. We don’t want to completely give away the secrets, but if you have a newspaper and a working knowledge of embarrassing celebrity mishaps from around three or four years ago, you’re cooking. Anyway, without further ado . . . here are your two weeks’ supply of Jay Leno jokes, usefully arranged according to timely and newsy topic areas:
So the First Lady has reportedly declared a war on obesity in young people. Have you heard about this? Kind of makes you wish she’d been around when Monica was hanging out in the White House, huh? Read the rest of this entry »
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