Have you seen this one?

Seriously? They’re spending Christmas together, they’re blissfully in love and he doesn’t know how to do sign language? What are they going to do for the rest of the day? How long have they been together? When on earth is he going to get around to learning how to talk to her? After a few more trips to Kay’s, I bet. I guess the other possibility is that she’s tried to break up with him a bunch of times and he just nods and smiles and signs “My name is Jason.”

This one’s nice too:

“I’m really going to amaze her this time. Gonna get that necklace out of the box, gonna put on all my snow stuff, gonna go outside, then stand by the window. Then, when she goes by the window- draw two shared hearts in the window steam that for some reason is on the outside of the window, and when she is touched by that display of affection, BAM- drop the necklace on her. Well, show it to her, and then go back inside and take off my snow stuff and give it to her. Gonna be great.”

Women in jewelry commercials are pretty great too. They have one characteristic: blown away. Doesn’t matter how you decide to present your jewelry (obviously you’re going to do something amazingly romantic and sweet, though)- she’s gonna be on the verge of tears every time. That’s just how women are. They’re also adorably mute.

This one might be my all time favorite:

He’s sensitive, he’s cute, he’s endearingly tuned in to the weather (both current and historical), and he gets that women, like dogs and small children, are frightened by thunder, and he always has a jewelry box ready to pull out whenever she’s feeling distraught. Others in this series: Part II: She trips on the stairs; he picks her up and says “Are you okay?” then produces a jewelry box and says “Hope it’s OKAY if I give you some jewelry now.” Part III: She burns the breakfast; he appears behind her with a hug and says “Smells like carbon,” suddenly he’s holding a jewelry box and says “I took the liberty of buying you some ultra-hardened carbon, to show you I’ll always be here when you burn the breakfast.” By the way, all of these lines are said with the same husky delivery that this guy uses to say “and I always will be.” (go back to :08 in the video) Deep, sensual, chin down, eyes up, lips extended, the most serious thing on earth. Really, one of my favorite commercial line-deliveries of all time.

Since seeing this commercial, I try to say at least one thing to Macy every day with that exact same tone of voice, just to keep the spark alive. Try it with me: “Do you know where my keys are?” Any guesses what that does to her? (Do you know the sign for “read my lips?”)

A few more for your delectation and discussion (in case you get into this stuff like I do): Commercial IV ; Commercial V

Anyway, that was a very good year, jewelry advertisers. Seriously, great job everyone. See you at the end of 2010!

The elusive Pokemon Manaphy.  Even Google can’t help you find this guy.

I used to run a website that dealt with some Mormon-related political topics.  Hands down the best part of running that website was looking at the analytics, which showed me the various searches people would type in that would bring them to my site.  Things like “Is Brian Williams Mormon?” (the answer is no) and “Katie Couric IS Mormon” (the answer is this is not a question); and “massacre porn” (what?) and “hot Mormons” (absolutely) and “Nigeria pros and cons in bullet points” (that’s my other blog) and “never trust a Mormon.” (duh).  By far the best search I ever got on that site was “Mormon body odor.”  Nice to see that someone’s on the case tracking down those stinky, stinky Mormons.  If only we could solve the problem with Catholic plantar fasciitis.

The best part of these things is that they let you imagine whatever you want to about all those crazy, hopeful, confused people out there doing Google searches.  I love to picture the angry grandma in Milwaukee, new to the Internet, asking “who is my . . . Congressman,” while somewhere in Arkansas there’s an anxious red-headed pre-teen girl asking “who is my . . . guardian angel.”  A studious middle schooler in California asks “what is the . . . public option” while a burnt-out guitarist in Idaho is asking “what is the . . . meaning of life.”  And always, everyone asking “Why did . . . I get married? Why did . . . Hitler dislike Jews? And, why did . . . the chicken cross the road?”

Or, if you really want to have your mind blown, stop thinking about individuals, and think about hundreds or thousands of people.  These are searches made by crowds, the most popular recent searches Google has recorded beginning with your chosen words.  That’s right, it’s not one person asking “why do white people . . . love Wayne Brady so much.”  It’s a bunch.  Spend a little while plugging in vague prefixes and you’ll find that we as a nation, or a world, or maybe just an Internet community are obsessed with pregnancy, celebrities, celebrity pregnancies, and, most of all, the Jackson 5.  (Who made them up? Where are they now? Why didn’t they open Michael’s casket?).

Seriously, white people, why? Why?

But we’re just as obsessed with love and philosophy and connecting with our fellow men.  Which is sort of encouraging, until you realize that we’re trying to get answers about love and philosophy and our fellow men from a search engine.

Whether you’ve ever stopped to think about it or not, I’m guessing you have a few different informal email distribution lists for sending information of a certain nature to certain groups of people.  For example, I send finance-related things to my friends Chris, Ryan, and Colby.  I send things regarding pop culture to my wife, Melissa, and our friend Ali.  I send anything about being judgmental and emotionally unavailable to Ryan.  And so on.

But the distribution list I use most frequently is my “Anything Relating to Animals, with a Special Focus on Sharks and Shark Attacks List,” which consists of Christian and my friend Craig.  While the stories and links the three of us send to each other are of little or no interest to most people (ignorant people who don’t know what’s good for them), we find them endlessly fascinating.  In fact, there are few emails I look forward to reading as much as these ones from Craig or Christian.  I did a little search in my email, and found a representative few that you may (or most likely, may not) want to check out:

Bears in a German Zoo Suffer from Baldness

An Amazing Slide Show of the World’s Ugliest Animals, from Craig (which includes the picture of the Aye Aye that you saw before you clicked on this post and the below picture of the Naked Mole Rat)

A Bear Kills Two High-Ranking Militants in Kashmir (Craig’s reaction:  “This is how we’re going to kill Osama.”)

A Shark Bites Another Shark in Half

That’s just a small sampling of the great, great stuff we send to each other.  Now, a few days ago Christian posted a link on our sidebar entitled “Important Animal Facts.”  It goes without saying that I clicked on that link.  Of course I did.  If you were plotting to kill me, you could just put a big black bomb like you see in cartoons on my doorstep with a note that says, “Light this if you want to hear some awesome animal facts.”  The website I found by clicking Christian’s link is – and I’m not exaggerating – a national treasure.  I encourage you to go visit it here.

Now, the aesthetics of the site instantly raised doubts in my mind as to the legitimacy of the animal facts found there.  I’m actually kind of surprised by the extent to which a website’s appearance influences my reaction to the site’s content.  “Hmm.  This website sells a pill that it can cure baldness and obesity and causes small, woman-like hands to develop into the powerful bear paws one would expect from a man who measures over 6’2 and weighs slightly more than 180 lbs.  I note with interest that your headquarters are in Nigeria, and that you’re asking for my credit card information but not my address, which presumably you would need in order to deliver the pills.  BUT.  Your website is well-designed and official-looking.  (Takes credit card out of wallet with small, woman-like hands.)”

However, my skepticism regarding the veracity of the animal facts found on this site was partially relieved when I read the third fact down from the top:

“The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.”

Detective (ducking under yellow crime scene tape):  “What do we have?”

Uniformed Officer:  “Double homicide.  Forced entry.”

Detective:  “Any fingerprints?”

Uniformed Officer:  “Yeah, plenty.”

Detective:  “Human or koala?”

Uniformed Officer:  “That’s not fair, sir.”

Detective:  “You’re right.  I’m sorry.  We’ll just have to wait for results from the lab.”

Any lingering doubts I had about these animal facts were definitively put to rest when I saw that some of them are sourced.  And by sourced I mean they are followed by the name and email address of the person who presumably sent the fact in.  These facts come from the leading lights of the zoological community, including Lauren, Jason, Hilary Smith, and MangoPete.

Although I accept as truth all of the facts found on this page, I thought it might be nice to have official confirmation from some of the authorities who sent them in, so I emailed each and every one of them.  Here’s an example of what I sent:

Dear MangoPete,

I was perusing the Animal Facts found at http://www.jayp.net/trivia/animal01.htm and saw that your name and email address were given as the source for the following animal fact:

“A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.”

I’m writing to inquire as to how you came to know this particular fact; a brief reply would be most appreciated.

Best Regards,

Davis Bell

Surprisingly, I’ve yet to hear back from anyone.  I’m guessing everyone is away at the big Animal Facts conference at Cornell.  In the interest of spreading scientific knowledge, I’ve taken the liberty of copying over a few of my very favorite facts from this website (in blue), with a few of my comments below them.  Please remember:  I didn’t make these up; they’re all copied verbatim from the aforementioned website:

“A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.”

The scene:  The Animal Facts Conference at Cornell.  MangoPete:  “Does anyone know why a duck’s quack doesn’t echo?” Hilary Smith:  “No.” Lauren:  “Nope.” Jason:  “Nuh uh.” MangoPete:  “Nobody knows? Ok, nobody knows.”

“The closest relative to the manatee is the elephant. Scientists think the elephant crawled back into the sea to become a manatee. ”

Scientists believe this occurred in the following way: Elephant 1:  “You know, I really hate it up here.” Elephant 2:  “Yeah, me too.  Let’s crawl back into the sea and become manatees.” Elephant 1:  “Ok.”

“Cats can hear ultrasound.”

“Mr. Whiskers, come listen to my tummy.  One meow if it’s a girl, two if it’s a boy.”

“The province of Alberta in Canada has been completely free of rats since 1905.”

“Welcome to Alberta: Mostly free of rats since 1886, completely free since 1905!

“Cat’s urine glows under a blacklight.”

“Mr. Whiskers, if it’s a boy, spell “B-O-Y” in urine on the floor, and I’ll go get my blacklight.”

“Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax, and correct itself. At about that height it hits maximum speed and when it hits the ground it’s rib cage absorbs most of the impact.”

Science compelled me to attempt to recreate this seminal study to verify its findings.  Here’s some footage.

“Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by a lightning strike.”

A lion tackles an antelope, and moves to clamp his jaws on the antelope’s windpipe. Antelope:  “Wait!  Wait!  I’ve been struck by lightning!” Lion (narrowing eyes):  “Seriously?” Antelope:  “I’m not kidding, man, I promise.  I got struck by lighting about, I don’t know, 6 months ago.” Lion:  “Ewwwwwwwww.  Get out of here.”

“Rabbits love licorice. ”

Everyone loves licorice, so it stands to reason that rabbits do.  It’s called Occam’s razor.  Look it up.

“Spider Monkies like banana daquiries.”

Bartender:  “What’ll it be?” Spider Monkey (rolls eyes):  “What do you think?”

“It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up.”

Astronaut:  “Mission control, you are not going to believe this, but you know that frog we brought up with us?  It just threw up!!!!” Mission Control:  (Two men in short-sleeved white shirts with buzz cuts high five each other).

“If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow. ”

NASA Engineer #1:  “Johnson, there is literally only one thing that is preventing us from sending birds into space.  I’m not concerned about the extreme temperatures or the lack of oxygen and air pressure or the absence of any food or water.” Johnson:  “Yeah, we’ve had our best men on this for years.  No gravity, no swallowing.  If only we could reverse engineer the space-vomiting properties of the frog.”

“Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.”

I have no comment on this, other than that I believe in my heart that it’s true and that I won’t rest until I witness this phenomenon in person.

“A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won’t.”

This one is just common sense.

“Horses cannot vomit.”

Or at least we think they can’t.  We won’t know for sure until we get one into space.

In case you were wondering, yes, I went to the Wikipedia page for “nachos” to see the year when they were created. Actually, I’d like you to go there, too, before reading the rest of this.

Ok.  I love Wikipedia.  I love having the ultimate argument-settler at my beck and call.  I love reading a book or seeing a movie and then going to Wikipedia to learn more about the subject/filmmaker or author/actors/second associate director/key grip.  I love reading the summaries of movies I don’t want to see or books I won’t ever get around to reading.  (I highly recommend checking out the summary for this book so you don’t have to read the whole thing.)

I love looking something up on Wikipedia and then, by clicking through a series of links, finding myself several hours later reading an entry for something entirely unrelated to the first thing I looked up.  For example, today I progressed from Nachos to Howard Cosell to the 1972 Summer Olympics to the Munich Massacre to Operation Spring of Youth to Zodiac Boats to the Euronext Paris Stock Exchange.  I got from Nachos to the Euronext Paris Stock Exchange by clicking 6 links.

The Wikipedia page for Nachos is an all-around great page.  As you’re reading it, it suddenly hits you: somebody created this.  Somebody took the time to consult some references to figure out how and where nachos were created, how they were introduced to the broader public, and the different toppings that are occasionally used in making nachos, among other things.  “Nachos with an abundance of toppings are sometimes called ‘loaded nachos.’”  Somebody actually took the time to write that.  And then you realize that somebody went to Google Images and searched “nachos” so they could find a picture of nachos to add some visual flair to the Wikipedia page.

Assuming this page wasn’t created by Big Nacho interests, the person behind this Wikipedia entry went to all this effort just because he or she really loves nachos and wants people to know more about them.  I find that equal parts adorable and heartbreaking.

Anyway, it took us far too long to invent nachos.  From our perspective today, tortilla chips and melted cheese seem like such an obvious combination, but it took a visionary to actually see what was hiding in plain sight.  Sometimes it’s tempting to think that all of the good combinations have already been thought of.  I’m certainly glad Ignacio “Nacho” Anaya didn’t feel that way in 1943, and I’m glad that not everyone feels that way now, or else no one would have thought of this:

I can’t, off the top of my head, think of a better combination than the Holiday Season, the modern corporate office party, and Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club; they’re the new tortilla chips and cheese.