I want to have a very open, very safe conversation about some stuff, where no one judges anyone else for what they might write below.

It used to be the case that in grocery stores I was unable to resist the sweet, siren song of Us Weekly while waiting in line, and would end up browsing the magazine until it was my turn to check out. Once in a while, depending on who was on the cover and how hopeless my future looked, I might take it to a closed register where I could peruse for 15 or 20 minutes without buying it. To actually buy one would be the final admission that things had spiraled out of control, and I can truthfully tell you that I’ve never actually gone all the way. But even just taking a free look-see left me with a depressing feeling that I suspect is pretty common for people who fail a lot in life, but a feeling that can be chased away with a lot of peanut M&Ms. Anyway, I don’t do this anymore. Serious adults don’t engage in this sort of behavior, and that’s what I’m trying to be. The obvious exception to this rule, and I think it’s one we can all agree on, is when Brad Pitt is on the cover and it looks like something really juicy is going down.

The other night I was in line with milk and salsa and saw Brad and that woman (I don’t say her name out loud because she’s hurt him again and again and I feel like everyone talking about her only encourages it) with a headline something like “He’s Moving Out!”

Moving OUT?! This is very big news if you’re a fan. Not since Liz and Richard have the world’s leading man and woman been together like this.

I don’t know why I’ve always had such a healthy respect for B-rad. I admit at the outset that it’s shallow. But if you think about it, on some level so is your admiration for George Washington or Gandhi. Same deal. Actually not the same deal, cause both those guys were huge nerds, while my hero’s a dreamboat.

Honestly, it’s not like I’m under the illusion that BP is a paragon of holiness or anything.  He just seems like the kind of guy who is great at being an awesome friend.  And I’d like to show him how awesome of a friend I can be, or best friend or whatever. Someone he can talk to when his wannabe New Orleans architect friends dismiss him as merely the pretty face of that house restoration project, or when Maddox says Shiloh isn’t his “real sister” and that makes him feel sad inside. Or when his bachelor friends (yes, you G Cloo!) are pressuring him to drink and party too much and he feels confused and like everyone wants a piece of him.

Wasted, but still twice as awesome as you on your best day

I want to tell him I think Tom Cruise is lame and insecure and obviously very short. We would have some funny secret nickname that we used for Tom when we were at parties and couldn’t have other people know we were clowning on him, like “couchboy” or “tom thumb.” Like if the mini-me actor came to the party, or one of the star’s little kids, I would make a face and sarcastically yell:

“Yo B-town, did I just see couchboy entre?”

or

“Hey-OOO, we got a tom thumb situation all up in here!” or something witty that would make us bust up and high five.

Anyway, I learned from last night’s Us Weekly article that Brad and A.J. haven’t been getting along well lately and they got in a huge fight the other day and she told him to get out and he was happy to comply because he’s been feeling lately like he’s just been going along with her life and all her U.N. Ambassador priorities and he wants to be able to do what he wants and be a good guy and still give to charity and stuff but also be able to let loose and have fun like Clooney so he’s hired a team of top real estate people to look for something close to her and the kids because he’s not about to abandon his kids.

I hate that he has to go through all of this. I know he has a lot going for him and has a great life, but still you always want to shield him from all the bad and painful stuff because he already has the weight of the world on him. I know the hard times only make him stronger, but still.

So tell me, who do you want to be friends with?