Guest Post: The Bum’s Crevasse

Christian here; first a bit of house keeping. One of our regular commenters told me recently that lately our site rejects all his comments automatically. Is this happening to anyone else (I’m not talking about some comments going into moderation until approved, but rather them totally disappearing)? If so, please leave a comment and let me know. Just kidding, email me at sharkmanbell@gmail.com.

Ok, Here’s a post from D3T enthusiast, Layne. I don’t know him very well, so I’m not familiar with any of the people in this story. Thanks for the post, Layne! I hope to meet you in person someday!

When I transferred to BYU in January of 2003, I was already engaged to be married in the middle of February. So I had one of those awkward interim periods in which I needed a place to stay, but couldn’t sign a regular semester-long contract. And because he lacked imagination, my bishop wouldn’t give me an ecclesiastical endorsement if I was living with my fiancee. I had to find a place to live until it was BYU-legal for me and the future Mrs. to cohabitate. Luckily (or unluckily, as it turned out) for me I had a friend already attending the Y. Four weeks before I moved down to Provo, he assured me that YES, he was sure that I could stay at their house for a few weeks. He just needed to clear it with his roomies first. A few weeks passed. Two weeks to the move, he again assured me that while he still hadn’t double-checked with his roomies, YES, he was sure that I could stay at their house. Great, I had a place.

Well, school was starting Monday, and on Sunday night I was driving to Provo for the semester. On the way down I called my buddy and had the following conversation (To protect the guilty, let’s call my friend “Kristian”):

Me: Hey Kristian, see you in a bit.

Kristian: Um, err, let me talk to my roommates and I’ll call you back in a bit.

Me: Dude, school starts tomorrow! Are you serious? You said there was a spot at the house! I’ve turned down other offers already. I’m screwed!

Kristian: Oh yeah, I guess it does start tomorrow. Yeah, come by, we’ll figure something out.

Me:  (Thinking “Crap, this really sucks.” Sigh.) Ok. See you soon.

Well, after a tour of the house, a few things were obvious immediately:

1) The place was stink-hole. (A couple weeks after moving in, I distinctly remember “Friend” dry-heaving after warming some chili con carne in the microwave who’s last cleaning was 10 years prior. There was more food on the 6 walls of that microwave than there is in many home’s food pantries. Yuck. I won’t even tell you about the shower.)

2) There was no place for me to lay my head. I was toast.

Then when all seemed to be lost, I went upstairs and saw a door about 3 feet high. Hmm. What’s in here? The “Bum’s Crevasse” I was told. The Bums Crevasse was a little attic crawl space. It was 4 feet wide by 8 feet long, with the ceiling starting at 4.5 feet tall and sloping down to meet the floor 8 feet later. A tiny triangle room full of suitcases and other junk. For 6 weeks I slept in a sleeping bag on a thermarest camping pad in the Bum’s Crevasse. My roommates charged me the same amount for sleeping in a broom closet that they paid to sleep in a bed, have a closet, desk, and other amenities that I only dreamt of. Thanks for the great deal guys!  Being a bum is expensive I guess…

Bum

Given my experience, this guy is paying somewhere in the neighborhood of $350-$425 a month for this cozy setup

Luckily for me, Jami still wanted to marry me and I moved out 6 weeks after I moved in. Hallelujah.

What’s the worst place you’ve ever lived?

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20 Responses to “Guest Post: The Bum’s Crevasse”

  1. Eliza says:

    Oh wow. lol. I am so so sorry layne. If your speaking of the place that he and Tanner lived in that was despicable. so so so gross. With this and the window washing drama how are you guys still friends?

    I really haven’t lived in any disgusting places but I have lived in depressing places. a little basement apartment in washington terrace. Need I say more? yes, I do. 6.5 foot ceilings, 8 inch windows that gave you a vague feeling of sunlight, , 2 heater vents for the whole place both in the hall, a 6 foot shower (seriously, my husband had to bend his head) and of course, wood paneling. Those were dark dark days. (literally)

  2. Davis says:

    This is great. That apartment was really just one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. And while I know the “Bum’s Crevasse” was terrible, the actual rooms weren’t much to look at, either. I remember realizing that Kristian didn’t even have a closet, so I went and bought him a clothes rack from Walmart. He was literally astounded to realize that there were options other than keeping his clothes on the floor.

    The other thing that was awesome about that place was a set of drawers built into the wall in Kristian’s rooms. There were 8 of them and they ran from the floor to the ceiling. When Kristian arrived his roommate – who he’d never met – had taken the middle 4 drawers, leaving the two closest to the floor and the two closest to the ceiling for Kristian. I still can’t stop laughing about that.

  3. Tanner says:

    I tried reading this during a conference call. I wanted to finish it so badly, but I couldn’t help laughing out loud during the call so I had to stop. Will have to finish later.

  4. Layne says:

    In hindsight, I wish I would have fought for the rent money I spent to live in the bum’s crevice. However, I was able to take a hot shower on my way to school everyday, put my vittles in the pantry and watch a DVD a few times so maybe it was worth it?

    I hope to never have to sleep in a crawl space ever again.

  5. Ryan says:

    Great post. Hadn’t heard that story. I really wish I would have visited those awesome accommodations though.

  6. Rebecca Bell says:

    Davis- i think Kristian would still be astounded to find out that there are options other than keeping his clothes on the floor.

    I’ve actually never heard this story and it’s disappointing b/c it’s a real gem. hilarious.

    and i’ve been to that stinkhole apt too. Kristian tried to live there right before we got married. he moved out a few hours after he moved in. “too disgusting,” he said. part of that may have been that his roommate had a pet chinchilla in their room that smelled like raw sewage and a bunch of 80′s baywatch posters hanging up.

  7. Andrea W. says:

    Such a funny post, but such a depressing situation! Wow. Who needs enemies, with friends like that? LOL. Love the name of your abode too. I feel very fortunate not to have lived in any really awful place. We had one really weird basement apartment, but it was heaven compared to the bum’s crevice.

    Even nice houses can lack or have features that make a home almost unbearable. I was at a beautiful big house the other night whose front door didn’t have a doorknob, just a bar to pull it open or shut. So there is no doohickey thing that latches, which means your only option is to lock it or have it wide open. They were hosting a big party and it was freezing cold outside so you couldn’t leave the door open, instead it had to be locked and unlocked every time one of 80 people came or went. That right there ruined that whole beautiful house for me. I suppose they could just get a new door, but they haven’t.

  8. Andrea W. says:

    “i think Kristian would still be astounded to find out that there are options other than keeping his clothes on the floor.” LOL, Rebecca!

  9. Jami says:

    What about the sheet covering the dishes when the guys wanted to “clean up” before people came over? That was clever. :)

    Now, how about the story of why it’s called the “Bum’s Crevasse?”

  10. dan hill says:

    wait wait wait!!! He charged you???? There was no reduction in my rent. I was specifically told that you were living there for free to save money for the wedding. In fact Kristian told us that you knew you’d be living in the closet but that it was cool if it was free because you wanted to save money.

    So not only did you get totally screwed but it sounds like Kristian was pocketing your rent. He was sleeping soundly in his warm bed for basically no rent thanks to his brilliant grift. Either he owes you some money or all of us, his room-mates, our share of the take.

  11. Christian says:

    Ok, ok, I think everyone needs to just calm down here. Let’s discuss this as reasonable adults.

    I had a friend who needed a place to stay. I happened to need a mako shark pelt that was going on Ebay for $150, so both our problems were solved.

    I kid, I kid.

    I remember this whole thing differently, although I don’t doubt Layne’s version, since the person who goes through traumatic experience always has a sharper memory of it than a witness.

    Here are the facts as I remember them.

    1. I didn’t think we charged Layne, but if we did it was surely Tanner and Dan Hill and other greedy buggers who insisted on it. Layne was my friend and I wouldn’t have made him pay to live in the Bum’s Crevasse unless the others forced my hand.

    2. Even if we did charge him our rent in that rat hole was only $130/month, so it’s not like we were charging Belmont rates or anything.

    3. Layne is quite handsome, which gives him certain advantages in life, so I felt like he could deal with that little trial.

    I’m submitting this to the psychology and counseling experts over at The Tiebreakers.

  12. Layne says:

    Rebecca – You must be incredibly patient.

    Jami – Good memory of the cleaning habits of Stink Hole residents.

    Dan – I distinctly remember Curtis cornering me for rent money and then feeling like I was getting ripped off–I mean, I slept in a closet! Perhaps he felt he needed a “bonus” to put up with someone sleeping in a crawl space in his house. The real rub is that I was hardly ever there except between the hours of 10p-7a. Studying in the crevice was not desirable.

    Kristian implied that there was room at the inn. Perhaps he thought sleeping on the floor with 6 tenants who rarely went to bed before 2a was a viable option. Hard to say. I wish I could track down Kristian to get his take on how things went down.

  13. Serene says:

    Gosh, I admit to feeling somewhat jealous. I’ve never lived in a place as cool as a crevasse!

    But the big house I grew up in in Florida was pretty interesting.

    After a while, the spiders that hung out on the walls (the ones the size of your hand) the roaches, the snakes that got into the light fixtures, the gators in our pond, etc. weren’t really cause for much alarm.

    I’m honest to goodness not making this stuff up.

    Oh, did I mention the bears that always got into our garage?

  14. Jamie Hill says:

    What!!? They charged you for living in the closet!? That’s insanity! You’d have to pay ME to live in a place like that, let alone the bum’s crevasse!!!

  15. Layne says:

    Jamie – That type of living is not for wimps. Or basically anyone with any sort of pride. :)

  16. Ryan says:

    Seriously? They put a sheet over dirty dishes when company came over? That is the awesomest thing I’ve heard in a while. What a funny life college is.

  17. Jami says:

    They seriously did.

  18. Christian says:

    lolololol. I forgot about the bedsheet-over-the-dirty-dishes method of cleaning. Brilliant. Don’t judge, it was just another way of getting the job done, and an effective one at that.

  19. MIssy says:

    Missy checking in here. I like the name of “the Bum’s Crevasse” quite a bit. And while I personally have never lived in anything similar, and sympathize with those who are forced to endure such conditions, I do know from personal experience that college boys are truly disgusting. After working for a couple of years for a property management company in a college town in the Midwest, finding a crocodile in a bathtub down in someone’s basement during a spot check was quite the highlight. And, don’t even get me started on that one time we evicted four boys for having 600 of their closest friends over after they installed a full-fledged bar, stage and stripper pole in their garage.

  20. Kristin says:

    I distinctly remember being offered fresh Kool-aid by Kristian and then being served an extremely sweet (almost syrupy) red beverage in a mixing bowl. Yeah. All the cups were under the sheet in the sink….
    I had to walk around the corner to the pool hall to use the restroom. It wasn’t safe to use the ammenities at the above described “house”. So gross. I think I cried when I found out that someone was living in the tiny hole in the hall.

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